Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Smart Dog

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Smart Parrot

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.

The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.  She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"

A Cow

Once there was a man who took his wife to the psychologist and said, "Please cure her. She thinks she is a cow."

The psychologist looked at the wife and the wife said, "Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

The psychologist said, "no problem. I will do it right now. I think I can cure her right now!"

The man said, "Really!"

The psychologist said, "Yes!"

The man reflected a little and finally said, "Well, maybe we will come back later."

"Why", asked the good doctor.

"Frankly, now that I think about it, I am really scared," said the man.

"Why are you scared", asked the baffled psychologist

The man whispered and confided. "The truth is doctor that we have been saving a lot on milk lately. Never having to go to the supermarket when we run out is pretty damn convenient. You know what I mean. And the price of milk per gallon has really shot through the roof. So thank you but no thank you!" Saying that the man took his wife's hand and rushed out.

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

Poison

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

Elephant's

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ass."

Apartment Rental

A proper man met a beautiful woman and agreed to pay $500 for a night with her. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his administrative assistant write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his administrative assistant send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) It had never been occupied

2) There was plenty of heat

3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size-if you haven't enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.